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Children kill love

Sexologist Catherine Blancs reflects on prejudices that complicate our intimate life. Next in line is a common stereotype that the appearance of a child in the family causes irreparable damage to the parent libido.


The author of the book “Women’s Sexuality” (“La Sexualité des Femmes n’est pas celle des magazines”, évolution, 2009).

“Children, of course, demand that they be given time and place, especially in the first months of life. The nature of a woman encourages her to respond to any needs of the newborn, and she goes headlong into motherhood. After the birth of a child, her sexual instinct is depressed due to the presence of prolactin in the body-a hormone favorable for breast milk production. It is quite clear why it may not be too much for sex. And this is not to mention fatigue, lack of sleep and constant concentration on what the baby may need. In these circumstances, the request of the partner to have sex can be perceived as another need that she must satisfy.

Meanwhile, she is already so tired that she dreams only of rest at those rare moments when a child does not require her attention. Of course, most often the partner wants to give a woman pleasure. But this tempting perspective requires her activity, while she just wants to relax. In addition, sometimes in the request of a partner about sex, she can see a manifestation of rivalry with a child. How to experience an attraction to a man whose request reminds her of guilt for his frustration or that as a result, an unsatisfied man is in the position of a child?

As a rule, a few weeks later, the biochemistry of the brain comes to the initial state, and the desire returns with renewed vigor. The couple again acquires an intimate life – if only the prohibitions imposed by the unconscious do not dictate to the woman, which is from now on in the foreground – a child, not sexual life. After all, having produced a child, she begins to feel her power, and motherhood may turn out to be a source of pleasure for her, which will fully satisfy her life requests. Especially if her sexuality served only a means to the appearance of a child, and was not a manifestation of her own “I”. Some men can also begin to restrain their sexual impulses: how to allow herself to desire a woman who has become a mother and in some fantasies can be their own mother? Such partners can become wonderful parents, but to the detriment of their intimate life. A woman is enjoying the role of her mother, and only with her, and the man continues to love her, without fear of an imaginary incest.

Even though a child is a “bottomless barrel” that absorbs all his strength and attention, in the life of his parents he occupies the place that they themselves took him. Some couples should ask themselves: why do they indulge in every child’s desire? Why with such readily placed it in the center of the universe? Do they reproduce scenarios of their own childhood? Did they then want to occupy such a place in the family themselves then? How often children turn out to be the very trees that we do not distinguish between forests. Is it worth it to think better about him?”.

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At 70, I got the rights and began to drive a car

Our heroine was not afraid to radically change her life in 62, get married and move to the UK. And on the threshold of the seventieth anniversary of the village, once again proved: fears and external restrictions are conditional. Her daughter is conducted by a video blog and devotes many stories to her mother, calling her one of the most cheerful women.

“Another failure in the exam only gave confidence”

Olga: “In England, as in many European countries, a woman driving is a common thing And often absolutely necessary, especially if there is work, children and you live outside.

I did not have such a need. But I already lived in this country, breathed it with air, saturated with the spirit. And when my husband invited me to learn how to drive, not a second doubted. I understood that it would be not easy, because I had never driven a car before. But I really wanted to not so much challenge myself as to gain a new experience, take another, albeit small, peak.

The entire period from the beginning of training up to the receipt of rights took three years, but I did not give up, although I cried with grief, when the driving test failed three times in a row. Theoretical exam consisted of 870 possible questions. At that moment I did not know English yet, so I translated everything first into Russian. I wrote three thick notebooks, learned by heart, at the same time pulling up English, and from the third time, at 69, I passed.

And a year later I finally managed to hand over and driving, get full rights.

I will never forget this moment. We are already finishing an exam in driving, and I ask my examiner: “I passed?”She seriously answers me:” Now we will drive up and talk about it “. We drive up, I park the car and ask the question again: “I made a mistake somewhere?”Then she asks to wait for my instructor.

And as soon as I hear the first sounds of the word “congratulations” from the examiner – I literally rush at her with joy with tears of happiness. I thank her, and she says: “Thank you, you started the car well”. What motivated me to continue classes? Probably the character is this: I see the goal – I’m going to her.

Oddly enough, he gave confidence another failure in the exam. Wiping her tear -stained eyes, I thought: next time – for sure! And, of course, I didn’t want to let my husband who believed in me so much. Ken supported, encouraged, helped to practice – patiently traveled with me in the district. I am absolutely sure that it is important for us to believe in ourselves and our own forces. You should not succumb to the most common stereotypes that we are late somewhere in life-it is never too late to study, as well as you can become happy at any age ”.

Elena, daughter: “I think the fear of driving does not depend on age, and his mother also had. But the standard ideas about age difficulties did not affect it. She did not even think about it-training was for her with something to be realized.

However, in England, people are very tolerant. No one will ever say: “You cannot” or “What you got into, this is not for you”. And the elderly here is treated with special care. This was also a kind of incentive. Now mom temporarily does not drive, as she fell and suffered a serious injury last year. However, one must know her in order to doubt – she will do everything to get to her feet as soon as possible and recover.

I do not cease to admire my mother’s courage, courage, her light and at the same time very firm character. She already walks well and even, as before, wears her favorite heels. So far, it is difficult for her to sit for a long time, but in the future plans to be driving again. “.

“Not to fight life, but to be in contact with it is the most resource position”

Daria Petrovskaya, Gestalt therapist

The persistence of the heroine and her faith in success are most impressive. This is well illustrated by the internal locus of control, which is inherent in the most mature and adult personalities.

People with an inner locus of control are more persistent in achieving goals, consistent and friendly in contact. They consider themselves responsible for the result and are not inclined to blame others or circumstances in case of failure. They are also less anxious and aggressive.

The strength of the personality and the will of the heroine help her move towards the intended goals and achieve success. She is also inherent in the ability to be grateful, to appreciate what is given, and not to demand more. She uses all the resources that she has here and now – this is a husband, a driving school, an instructor.

For the psyche, this creates a powerful support: I am not only struggling with life, I am in contact with it. This position gives the right to errors to give yourself as much time as you need. Indeed, in theory, the heroine could blame herself for those who believe in her, but she still could not cope. To feel shame for the fact that her husband put so much in her training, and she passed the exams for so long.

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7 habits that reduce our productivity

Distracting from work, we lose the focus. It takes an average of 23 minutes to return it, which means that our productivity inevitably falls. But it is one thing if the authorities and colleagues “invade” in our workflow “. And quite another, when we distract ourselves-because of habits that we do not even realize.

1. Constant check of the phone

“During the day, most of my customers are now and then clutching a smartphone-for example, if the site is loaded for too long or they are about to call back,” says Anna Dirmon Kornik. – the majority does not realize the report in these actions, and if you draw their attention to this, they believe that they act rationally, “without wasting time”. But in reality, this “second” divert, as a rule, flows into 1, 5, 10 minutes, for which you could have time to do something useful ”.

Instead, the expert advises to take a certain time on the social networks – in this case, the temptation to look into them “one eye” in the midst of a working day will now and then.

2. Distraction to non -working affairs that will take “only a second”

Again, the “second” insidiously turns into several minutes, or even half an hour: after starting to do one thing, we quietly go to something else for ourselves, but work, meanwhile, is worth.

“It seems to us that, starting for a small business immediately, we do the right thing: so we will definitely not forget about it, but in practice one task pulls the second, and that one, and so on to infinity,” said Dirmon Kornik.

He advises to write out such matters on a separate list and engage in them within non -working hours. Or at least allocate several temporary intervals during the day, during which you will definitely not be distracted – even to unload the washing machine.

3. Habit not to close the tabs on the computer

Everything is simple: the more tabs, the more, according to our brain, the tasks requiring our immediate attention. So, the more stress and thereby lower productivity. If you are afraid to lose the site you need, just add it to the favorites or save it in another way.

4. Compulsive check of work chats

Yes, most likely, you have an important and responsible work, and on some questions, your opinion, decision or answer may be required urgently. But in this case, most likely, they will write or call you personally. So, it is absolutely not necessary to constantly check all the work chats and go to the Slack type platforms. In the end, you can say this with colleagues: if you need an urgent answer, you can be noted in correspondence or write to you directly.

In work, as in personal life, it is very useful to install and hold personal boundaries: let the employees understand that you cannot and should not be in touch every second. That there are tasks that require the maximum concentration from you. If other colleagues have access to your calendar, you can mark some time intervals as those when you are not available to anyone.

5. The habit of rushing “into battle” and immediately solve

Lors d’une petite étude, les résultats ont été publiés dans le “Journal of Evolutionary Psychology” (Journal of Evolutiony Psychology), des scientifiques ont interviewé 243 hommes pour savoir dans acheter cialis en toute securite mesure ils additionnent leurs femmes avec des caresses orales. Et il s’est avéré que la majorité y passe pour minimiser le risque d’infidélité du partenaire, lié au fait que ce n’est pas assez satisfait sexuelle sexuelle.


As already mentioned above, no one doubts that your participation in the general work is very important, but does this mean that you must rush to fulfill the task at the first call? Hardly.

Namely, according to Tanya Melon, a professor of management from the University of Ohio, people who consider themselves experts act. They strive to solve the problem immediately, based on those introductory ones that they have, instead of a pause, collect the missing information and act in the best way.

Faced with an “urgent” task, the expert advises to start asking himself whether she really demands your participation. Perhaps colleagues will cope with her well without you, especially if you have other priorities. And perhaps the need to solve the problem will completely disappear by itself.

6. Confidence in one’s own rightness

Career coach Norm Reyes believes that with our professional formation and accumulation of experience, we are confident that we know exactly how to solve a particular problem. And this, in turn, prevents us from remaining flexible and forces us to resist the changes, spending time and energy on this, which could be launched to solve other problems.

7. Participation in unnecessary meetings

Many employees will agree that meetings with colleagues take too much time from them and a number of issues could be safely resolved in correspondence – or do it on their own, taking responsibility for themselves. What do you think?

Doesn’t it seem to you that your time should be spent on something else-on more important tasks that lead you and your project or team to achieve a global goal?